did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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