textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
