I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
