i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
