so that wasnt chicken after all
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
