if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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