Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
