Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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