Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
