Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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