Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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