I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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