Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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