I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
