I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
