Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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