If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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