I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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