if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
