Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
