He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
