the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
