Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
