Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
