Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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