I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
