Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize