woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
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