I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Randomize
