Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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