he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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