god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize