I wish my penis had an off switch
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
