It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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