I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
