I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
