you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Randomize