i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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