My nipple is on Facebook.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
When are your genitals available?
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