If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
