Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
