I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
