Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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