god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
