There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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