omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
