The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You are a genius and a whore.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
