Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
