I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
