Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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