3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I will be naked everywhere
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
