I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
