You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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