Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
