im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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