If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
