sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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