"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i will never coherently bang her
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize