happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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