We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
